Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
