I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
She needs sedatives and a leash
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
