Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
