I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
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