so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
