I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
