I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
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