i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
You made out with two different species that night
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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