I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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