So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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