Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
