Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Come share oat with me in your robe
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
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