I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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