cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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