Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
