I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
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