She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
