We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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