I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
This toilet bowl is my home.
Randomize
