Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
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