Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
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