i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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