please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I supernannyed him into submission
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
