I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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