Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
