sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
