My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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