My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
