i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
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