im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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