Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Randomize
