i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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