You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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