her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize