i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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