I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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