My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
