our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
