I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
