..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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