Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
