some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
