No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Randomize
