I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Randomize