Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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