why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
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