It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Randomize
