So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
