all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
