i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
