I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Why is your signature on my underwear?
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
