I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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