can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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