TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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