His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize