they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
