i love accidental penises.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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