I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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