Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
