I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
i need some magic done to my vagina
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
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